I was pregnant and trying to please everyone- and it was leading me to my death. I saw no way out. I was getting more and more pregnant along with more and more tired and worn with every passing day I spent behind a fake smile. I didn't dare tell anyone my true feelings; oh no. At this time in mylife I figured this is just what women do; have kids.
But I didn't want to; I wasn't ready; we weren't ready. And though I tried to pretend I was happy about the pregnancy for as long as I could handle it; I was continuously plotting my escape: suicide. I day dreamed of it, more and more as each day went by. It was the only thing that gave me a moments peace; the only time I didn't have to cry.
It wasn't too long before the smiles failed and the tears flowed from my eyes in front of any and every one. I suppose that is when people started paying attention to my routines,
noticing I wasn't eating nor really ever leaving the room... I was in bed all the time, wishing for sleep, or forcing myself to sleep so I could dream of being dead.
By the time everyone noticed I was not ready to have a child and that I was at risk for a break down and/or my own death, I needed a second trimester abortion. At the time I thought this meant I was a failure to my husband. Little did I know it was quiet the opposite as not long afterwards he told me he actually felt relief over what took place; like me, he just didn't want to admit that it wasn't the right time. Sometimes the right choice is the hardest choice. Sometimes it's not. All women respond differently, and every abortion does not need pain, trauma or problems in order to be validated. The only thing needed is a pregnant woman that does not want to be pregnant. But this is my story, in a very much so summarized piece of writing. I was very, very close to taking my own life, which means my life was just as much in danger as someone with a physical illness; perhaps more. Mental health (I have [complex] PTSD, etc) is rarely regarded by the medical community I'm finding, which is another tragedy on its own.
I had spent far too much time trying to force myself to be something I couldn't be. I had all of the needed materials laid out on the dresser beside the letters I had written out completely along with my final requests. I had the location for my death selected, and even the clothes I planned to wear were laid out on the bed.
And yet, there I sat, on the edge of the bed, crying. That wasn't unusual for me at that point though. I was pregnant, growing more so each day, I was scared, angry and I felt this pregnancy was robbing me of having the good life I had always dreamed of having. It had finally become attainable; until this mess occurred. I saw no way out.
I wanted my life, my future, me and my husband's future back. I wanted to stop finding comfort only when I day dreamed of dying. I wanted to be happy that I was pregnant; but I was far from happy. I was fed up with everything. I hated myself for many reasons, one being, I was not ready to be a mother even though according to "society" I should have been. But I knew I would never last. If by some chance I had made it alive through the pregnancy and birth, I would have died shortly thereafter, leaving my husband alone to raise the reason I died...alone.
Instead of causing trauma to everyone I love and ending my life when things were starting to look up; I decided to have a late-term abortion. I knew that was the only thing that could save me at that point.And it did. Since I was rolled back into the 'recovery area' the day of my abortion, I have not regretted my choice once. I share this because those of us who are proud and thankful for our ability to have a safe, legal late-term abortion for any reason but especially for a reason other than complications with the pregnancy, fetus or otherwise.
Late-term abortion is not bad nor is it murder.The above shared information about me and my abortion is but one part of a complex situation; it is but one reason out of dozens more. I don't believe I need to validate myself or share anymore than I want. The reason I share what I have is because I want to.
I am proud to have had a late-term abortion; said more correctly, I am thankful to have had my late-term abortion before the outrageous laws in places like Texas started festering. It's been almost 2 years since I had my late-term abortion. And while the actual choice wasn't easy (only because of fear of failing my husband) what got me through was knowing it was the right choice. The right choice is not always the easy one. My only fear regarding the abortion was that I wouldn't get to have one.
Had this happened even a year later, I would have either had to fight really hard to find a place that could do a legal and safe abortion which would require money I didn't have, or I would have had to go through with my plan and take my life. There is no question the latter would have happened.
I truly worry and feel deep fear for any and all pregnant women seeking a late-term abortion during this time when both the state and now the federal government alike are attacking our rights as women; our right to make one of the most important choices of any life.
How many women must die this time ? ... We can't let this happen, we can't allow this to keep getting worse!
As I write this, the government once again is attacking abortion, this time it is abortion after 20 weeks. Need I remind everyone that abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure for women who do not want to ruin the life of a possible child and/or their own life? The only reason for this insanity is because they want women to stay in their place, continue to give birth and ideally stop working and get back in our 'place'.
 |
| Exactly!!! |
Finally, maybe they truly do believe it is against what their god believes or whatever they think their religion is saying. That's fine; we have freedom of religion. But that is no reason and gives them absolutely no right to go around (online and in person) trying to force their beliefs on others; it gives them NO right to harass and verbally abuse women, doctors volunteers and staff members like a selfish, mindless drone solely because they do not agree with what these people believe.
Abortion bans and the attack on abortion, birth control and women's health has taken a giant leap the past few years. The current issue is the topic of late term abortion. For those who don't know, I had a late-term abortion and I am so very thankful I was able to have the procedure done. No, I do not feel bad or like a murderer for I did nothing wrong and I did not kill any body.
Those who feel they are noble enough to look down their nose at another hear of someone having a first trimester abortion and that person gets looked down upon. So when those same people hear of a second trimester abortion we are pretty much shunned and damned to hell. Abortion isn't a fun procedure but can you tell me any medical procedure that is? Safe abortion access is a necessity; even if that necessity only comes from the very basic desire to not be pregnant.
I don't understand why people are against abortion; if you don't believe it is right, don't have one done just as I don't believe adoption is right and I'd never give a child up, I still think the option should be there for others as not everyone is me. including second trimester abortions. The anti's government have placed so many obstacles and put so much money to obtain an abortion even if a woman were to try and have an abortion early on in pregnancy there is a great chance she will end up having an abortion in the second trimester because a lot of women struggle to find th funding. The time they spend having to gather the money and find a way to get to one of the clinics adds to the weeks and before long they are in the second trimester. (Money is needed for travel, depending where you are this could also mean a hotel for a couple of nights, the procedure itself, the anti-biotics and more.)
There are other reasons for late term abortions. Mine was different than just the money but that is discussed and will be discussed in greater detailed videos soon to come. Again, everyone is different; every situation is unique... who are you to think you have the right to tell any woman she is anything less than good when you don't even know her??
Just as there is no reason to be ashamed of terminating a pregnancy in its early stages; there is also absolutely no reason to be ashamed of having a late-term abortion. (will go into detail in a moment) Having an abortion is not a form of 'birth control' and I don't believe there are any who use it as such. If there is, they are a small minority and definitely do not represent the majority of women. And though abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure, be it surgical or via the abortion pill, it is of course a big choice- obviously. It's a choice I don't believe Anti's take seriously and I sadly mean that. One of, if not the most, important choices we make in our life is to have children or not, because having a child means changing our life to raise them. It means providing and caring for this new person every moment of every day in one form or another.
For single moms it means maintaining a job while figuring out how to keep her kids off the streets or have enough time for them. Which brings up another question; why are the men never damned for child abandonment? When they leave a woman heartbroken, alone and now terrified about the future while calling her names- leaving the female teen or adult, doesn't matter, alone to decide what to do with this embryo that would one day be a child.
*Random Thought to Share* Lizz Winstead is a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor. I highly suggest reading her book- Lizz Free or Die. The reason I thought of her book is because in Lizz Free or Die she speaks a bit on her abortion as a teen and the situation she was in...including how her then ex-boyfriend soothed her with name-calling for being pregnant as he left;... As if he had no part in her being pregnant.
And then there are the children who have no one. Tupac Shakur is my most influence role model and saved my life- he wrote a song based on a true story of a 12 year old girl who became pregnant by her uncle and what became of her. Of course I am not saying that every situation is like this; but no child should be raising another child. Especially when the child already has nothing and no one to guide her or protect and provide for her. Press play to hear the story of Brenda. Sadly, she isn't alone.
In my opinion there is no doubt what choice is the more responsible and most moral for anyone who is not ready or has no desire to be a mother. And while abortion is not right for everyone, but in my opinion it is the most civil thing to do with an unwanted pregnancy. Adoption is cruel; no unwanted child should be brought into this world to suffer because the "pro-birth" groups demand it. Foster homes are horrible, and I do plan to one day write or make a video on YouTube regarding why I feel as I do toward adoption.
Due to the limitations and barricades put up around abortion care, especially late term abortion care, and the cost of obtaining an abortion, it is becoming more difficult to have an abortion within the first trimester. Another reason it is harder to obtain an abortion before the second trimester is due to the closure of so many Planned Parenthoods and abortion clinics (in Texas this was done for things such as, clinics not having 'wide enough walls' or 'doorways'...).
Finally, there is the ever lasting problem of money. Having to find the money to help fund the abortion as well as money to fund the trip to obtain the abortion is an additional problem...and while those in need scramble about trying to obtain the money, the price for the abortion grows more expensive each week, and the woman gets closer and closer to that second trimester.
Though there are wonderful non-profit organizations all over America and world wide working to help as many women as they can with funding, they can't finance every woman's abortion completely, though they are all so kind to help, I am sure they would if it were possible.
Abortion will never go away. I'd find those who think that to be funny if it were not so tragic when people say their organization will be the one to end abortion for good. Given it's only been as of recent (past hundred or two hundred years) this hate for abortion began, still... how ridiculous they are! Women risked their lives and lost their lives to abort after abortion was no longer legally available in the states; and abortion rates were approximately the same as they are now, at that time it was every 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 women would have an abortion. Women of all ages. But somehow, these people are going to end it; to bring justice out for the fetus! Which is a joke in itself; the life of the woman, again, is the most important matter at hand...
And when we know abortion is needed; most of us will remain determined to find a way. a procedure that has been around thousands upon thousands of years, that is now medically perfected and one of the safest medical procedures. the only person who is right to know the reason for the abortion be it a late-term or early, is the woman. Not anti-choice zealots; not me, not you; no one needs to know her reasoning. Her reason to terminate does not have to be as tragic as rape- wanting an abortion is what matters; simply wanting one.
Truth be told, it should humiliate and shame anti's and every last one of you who believe yourselves to be so wonderfully righteous and go around to abortion clinics or hospitals harassing as well as mentally and/or emotionally attempting to abuse patients and the doctors and staff who save women daily. go around trolling forums and websites while creating false websites and images, while formulating and circulating lies about the "consequences of abortion"
It does not matter why a woman wants an abortion nor why she is having a late-term one. Why someone has an abortion is of no importance to anyone. Those who want one due to extreme depression should be able to get an abortion with the same understanding as someone who was traumatized by rape.
Abortion is not a 'bad woman's procedure' and it sure as hell is not punishment for being sexual active! Abortion is an ancient medical procedure that has grown safer and safer over the centuries. The termination procedures, be it done surgically or with the abortion pill, abortion is one of the safest medical treatments to undergo.The factor weighs on only one thing; the availability to safe, legal professionals to perform the procedure. The death rate of women goes up drastically and that is due to self induced abortion as well as 'back alley abortions'... This number only sky rockets when these professionals are no longer legally available.
And as for those who call themselves pro-life yet do not live up to that title... Stop and ask yourself how you can be pro-life but the deaths of countless women; mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends...1 in 3 have an abortion, who is to say the women in your life who've had an abortion would still be here had it not been for a professional abortion clinic? Children are left orphans with the father -and not all of the fathers could handle parenting alone after their wife died, leaving the child or children basically parentless because of the needless death their mother underwent due to anti-life laws.
All women matter far more than a fetus, and all women should come before the fetus at all stages of pregnancy; whether the woman simply does not want to be a mother, or if her safety pregnancy is at risk- no matter if it is emotional, mental or physical, in all cases the woman comes first. Those who don't want the fetus to be child should not be made to punish themselves as well as the unwanted infant, whom did not ask to be born into this world in the first place. I was one of those unwanted, I wish my birth mother would have aborted me and spared me the pain of abandonment, neglect and other.
If the government or anti-choicers cared for life as they claim, they would be concerned over the safety of women. Again, it is only without access to safe abortion that the death rates for women begin to rise. Legal or illegal, women will find a way to abort. Self induced abortion is highly dangerous and fatal as are back alley abortions. But they will always exist; banning them or making them illegal will only put the woman at risk.
If I had gotten pregnant this year as opposed to when I did, I have no doubt I would have taken my life because the government backed by more Anti's would have stolen my right to decide; my right to say what is best and right for me and the fetus and my family. Who the hell do they think they are to take my rights, especially such an important, vital right like the control of what happens to my body, away from me?
I will fight with my last breath to defend my and every other woman's right to terminate pregnancy; early or late.
Information on the current attack on late-term abortion and what you can do can be found by clicking here. What we want and feel in our heart matters far more than what the pro-birth want us to do. They do not control us; and if they claim to, I say we rebel with all we have.
My Body, My Choice; MY LIFE!
